October 11 marks National Coming Out Day, a day when gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgender and queer people from all over the rainbow come out loud and proud!
In today’s world, it may seem like coming out isn’t that big of a deal anymore. Look at American Idol popstar Clay Aiken on the recent cover of People Magazine, or actress Lindsay Lohan admitting to her long time lesbian relationship.
But despite what it looks like, coming out is still a big deal!
Sometimes we forget the tremendous courage it takes for anyone to stand up and say, “This is who I really am.” Take into account the environment where we are surrounded by evangelical messages that call us “abominations” or even less hateful, but still hurtful, messages, like “we offer health and tax benefits to spouses but no benefits to same sex couples, even though you may have been together for 50 years.”
When I was a teenager, I cried myself to sleep many nights. I remember thinking that I had to get married (to a woman) and have kids. Coming out was not an option. The pain was so intense that I could literally feel a weighted burden on my chest (heart) and I would whimper to myself wondering why I had to be gay.
A few years later in college, my good friend Myra finally broached the subject. “Are you bisexual?” she asked one late night. I paused, and then said the one word that would change my life.
“Yes.”
I actually thought I was bisexual and that thought lasted for a few months. I was still too afraid to say that I exclusively liked men. Myra asked me a few questions that night and I gave her whatever answers I could. What I didn’t tell her that night was that she was the first person I ever came out to. Saying so would’ve made it a bigger deal than I was prepared to handle, so I pretended to act calm and cool even though my heart felt like it was beating a million times a minute!
Within a few weeks I had the “coming out” conversation with my other close friends. Interestingly, though, I made sure that we were really drunk before I could admit the truth. I thought alcohol would help to soften the blow for the benefit of my friends, but in hindsight, I think it was more of a benefit for me to feel more free.
What I have come to realize, though, is that coming out is a lifelong process.
There’s coming out to the relatives and school friends who I haven’t seen in a while. There’s coming out to co-workers and business clients, and it happens each and every time I enter a new job or business relationship. There’s coming out at church or when I attend workshops for personal development or spiritual growth. There’s coming out whenever my partner and I check into a hotel and ask for a king-sized bed. There’s coming out when someone looks at the ring on my finger and asks where my wife is and if I have any kids.
And coming out to let someone know I’m gay is just one level. There are other levels to coming out! Introducing my partner to others and having them see us hold hands (much less kiss!) make being gay more “real”. Saying that we’re going to actually get married brings up even more hidden beliefs to the surface!
With each coming out, there’s a moment of pause and anticipation to see what the response would be. Will others open their heart, or will they contract? And no matter the response, there’s a continual practice that I maintain to keep others in my heart even if there’s the presence of judgment or condemnation.
In the end, coming out is the process of standing in the truth of who we are and embracing the courage to be authentic. It’s about fully accepting what simply is, with no excuse or justification.
In the age of pressures to conform to society’s beliefs of what’s right or appropriate, to live the authentic self is a revolutionary act. And it’s a revolution we find ourselves accidentally participating in, for the mere reason that we are who we are and we love who we love. This revolution takes place in the big City and in rural America, in the televised pride parades and in the ballot box, through the voice of political leaders and in the hearts of scared teenagers.
Yesterday Connecticut became the third state in the country to allow same-sex couples to legally marry. This November 4th, California voters make the decision of whether or not to eliminate the right of same-sex marriage (vote no on prop 8!).
On its face, the battle is about gay marriage. Underneath it is a turmoil of emotions about whether this country is ready to “come out” and live authentically or to hide behind a banner of conformity, whether to embrace love in its many expressions or to use fear as the excuse to mask economic anxiety.
Don’t get me wrong. Conformity isn’t bad, just as long as what we conform to is the deepest truth of who we are rather than conform to an idea simply for the sake of belonging. And the deepest truth of who we are, in our most simple and deepest essence, is love.
Does it sound sappy? Maybe. But until we recognize this truth, we will operate from a place of fear, separation and judgment. The coming out process doesn’t just benefit the people who come out. It also benefits the people who witness the process and who use it as an opportunity to open their hearts. The shift is transformational, and has ripple effects to expand love in all our relationships.
So on this day, be a revolutionary of the heart. Be your authentic self. Come out of your own closet.
Happy National Coming Out Day!
